Mental Health Awareness: How the physical symptoms of depression affected my body
The physical side effects of grief and mental illness were something I had seriously underestimated. I have always known that poor physical health can trigger poor mental health, but I had never considered the outcome in reverse. Mainly because until I reached mental health crisis, I had never put my mental health first. I had always been one to keep active, mainly motivated by physical health and long-term struggles with my appearance and body image.
For as long as I can remember, I have never liked my body or my appearance. So when I started to notice my body changing, I didn’t handle it very well. I didn’t appreciate that the intense stress I had been under, brought on by grief and depression, would ultimately impact me physically. I was faced with a lot of triggering negative thoughts and beliefs about myself that I am working hard on to break. I want to share my experiences because I know so many people struggle with body confidence. I feel it is important to remind anyone who is struggling, whether that is through grief, stress or mental illness, that changes in our bodies are a perfectly normal.
How stress caused my body to change
The sudden loss of my Dad, the breakdown of my marriage and being diagnosed with depression all happened in the space of 6 weeks. This resulted in a prolonged period of intense stress. Stress is the body’s way of reacting to heightened state of harm or threat. Stress in times of emotional difficulty is totally normal. It would not be long before I started to experience physical symptoms and body changes associated with stress. I had never anticipated my body to react in the ways that it did. My GP had mentioned I may experience some physical side effects when I was prescribed anti-depressants, but otherwise I was completely unprepared for what happened to my body.
Cognitive function
One of the biggest changes I have noticed is my inability to concentrate or process information as well as I used to. I used to relish getting stuck into a new project or task. More often now I struggle to apply myself and it can take me twice as long to do something that used to be second nature. It’s like my mind is cloudy and I cannot think clearly. Returning to work was very challenging. I noticed myself struggling to focus and my mind would often wonder off to nowhere in particular, like it was taking a break and choosing to switch off for a while. I am also a lot more lethargic than I used to be. Depression and grief can be mentally draining and this impacted my energy levels. On the worst days I had to make a conscious effort just to get out of bed.
I have accepted that having a mental illness is understandably going to impact how my brain functions. As I continue to adjust and recover from my trauma, I have become patient with myself and try not be beat myself up like I used to. I also try to do activities that are cognitively stimulating, including mindfulness, blog writing, and connecting with nature.
Broken sleep
My sleep pattern was all over the place in the early stages of grief and depression. My mind would not switch off and my thoughts were constantly racing. I’d always dread bedtime because I knew I’d be alone with just my thoughts. Before cognitive behavioural therapy, I didn’t know how to manage these thoughts. I would often lie in bed crying because they were just so overwhelming. Why is it when we try to go to sleep that our minds think of the most unhelpful things? I would replay the last conversations I had with my ex husband over and over. I would think of all the times I was horrible to my Dad for no reason. Sometimes I would think of my wedding day. It’s like my mind was summoning up as many things it could to torment me.
Despite the broken sleep and endless nights of staying up watching TV until gone 3am, I was not falling asleep during the day. Insomnia made me lethargic and irritable. I was so short with people and I lacked motivation to do anything. In the end I was prescribed sleeping tablets by my GP. Over time I have reduced my dependency on sleeping tablets and now I would say I have a relatively healthy sleep pattern. I have absolutely no shame about needing to take medication. Insomnia was affecting my everyday life and only deepening my depression. Sleep is so important for our wellbeing and physical health. A regular lack of sleep can result in the development of serious health conditions. Therefore, it is important to discuss with your GP if you are having problems with your sleep.
Weight gain
My GP straight up told me that one the main side affects of anti-depressants would be weight gain. I tried a few anti-depressants before settling with Mirtazpine. The others made me either feel like a walking zombie or even more depressed. Mirtazpine did help to ease and manage depression and they also helped me with my sleep. My dosage was increased after reaching crisis which resulted in a hospital admission, and it was from this point that I started to notice a change in my appetite. For a long time I have had a healthy relationship with food. A few years ago I cut out ready meals and fast food in favor of cooking fresh from scratch. I have never had a large appetite, but with anti-depressants, I started to eat more and more. I would have a three course meal and I would still be hungry. When I consciously reduced my portion sizes and cut out sugar, I continued to gain weight. I would exercise 6 days a week and yet the weight kept piling on. I have gone up two dress sizes since being prescribed Mirtazpine and I would be lying if I said that this didn’t affect my self-esteem.
Gaining weight triggered a lot of historic negative beliefs about my body and appearance, which I knew was only going to exasperate my depression. I reviewed my medication with my GP and worked with my therapist to get to the root core of my body image issues. I was told that I was displaying symptoms and behaviours associated with of body dysmorphic disorder, a condition that affects how you see yourself and your body. With the help of cognitive behavioural therapy, I am slowly starting to accept my body and learning to love it, not hate it. I am working hard to cut out old habits of comparing my body and looks to others and starting to embrace body positivity. If you are struggling with body confidence and weight, please seek help from you GP.
Hair Loss
When my hairdresser asked if I had noticed all the regrowth from my hair loss, I replied that I didn’t even know my hair had been falling out! It really did come as a bit of a shock. I then noticed that my eyebrows had thinned out as well. I had neglected myself so much that I took me months to notice I had lost my hair. This really knocked my confidence and I became so self conscious when going out in public. I found myself buying hair products with minoxidil in, which is proven to help with regrowth. I made an appointment to get my eyebrows microbladed because my brows were slowly disappaearing. I was worried that my hair would never grow back, but over time I have started to see further regrowth. I soon found out that hair loss is a common side effect of stress and that it is usually only temporary.The fact that I have seen regrowth is a positive sign that I choose focus on.
There are many studies that have shown hair pulling can be a coping mechanism for those experiencing stress or negative feelings. It’s important that if you are experiencing hair loss in times of stress, to remind yourself this a normal reaction from the body. If it is however bothering you, it is important to talk to someone about it. Speak to loved ones or seek advice from your GP.
Thank you for reading my blog and I’d love to hear your feedback in the comments
If you have noticed any physical symptoms brought on by stress, grief or depression, I hope this blog will help you to understand that this is perfectly normal. Please know that you are not alone. If you are struggling to cope, please seek help and advice from your GP.
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